Friday, 31 July 2009

• The Perks of Being a Vampire

  As some of you may know, I'm pretty obsessed with True Blood. I've been recommending it to everyone I know, watching old episodes with series n00bs, and damn near peeing myself whenever I think about the upcoming episodes every week. In my opinion, it's the best new series since Dexter. So when my friend asked me the other night why anyone would ever want to be a vampire, I should have had a pretty good answer, right?
  

  
  

  
  
  

  There are lots of pros and cons involved with living as an undead blood-sucking creature of the night. The way I explained the perks of being a vampire to my friend was by breaking it down into these two categories, starting with the cons.
  

  
  

  Cons
  
  

  The biggest negative of vampirism is probably its most universal stereotype: vampires burn in the sun. Unless you follow the retarded Twilight rules, vampires explode or combust when in sunlight. While there are different vampiric legends out there with conflicting explanations, the most convincing reason I've ever encountered is that, since vampires can't regenerate skin cells, their bodies just instantly mutate. There are no functioning circulatory or respiratory systems to control body temperature, so the sunlight causes their bodies to overheat to the point of combustion. And--again, other than in Twilight, that indefensible waste of paper and celluloid--every major vampire series recognizes that vamps can't go out during the day.
  
  

  
  
  

  So, the sunlight thing is a pretty big con. Other biggies: super sensitivity to sensory stimulation (which can be a good thing), the inability to enter private property without permission (which is totally avoidable--see below), and the inability to stay with loved ones who won't age like you (unless they're vampires too). While you can't ever eat food again, Ann Rice has taught us that there is no pleasure in the world that even comes close to that of drinking blood. So even though bloodsucking may seem like an distasteful pastime right now, I'm sure it would look a lot different when you're staring at a pulsing artery with an empty vampiric stomach. In perhaps the nastiest con, since there's no fluid in your system other than blood, everything that you emit is blood. Think about it: every fluid you emit is blood. Get it yet? Good. Moving on.
  
  

  Pros
  
  

  Obviously, the most important benefit of vampirism is the whole immortality thing. Other than sunlight or a stake in the heart, you're pretty much untouchable. True Blood has some crap in there about susceptibility to silver, but everyone knows that's werewolves only, kk? Not only are you immortal, but you get stronger and faster as the years go on: the opposite of human aging! Plus, if you get bitten at the right time, you could be young and attractive for the rest of eternity.
  
  What if you're unattractive? Have no fear! Vampires have the ability to glamour mortals, to super-seduce a human to the point of doing literally anything for you. Say goodbye to speeding tickets and romantic rejection! While you can't really make money through anything but night shifts, you'd have no problem convincing a human to transfer all of their funds to you. Besides, what do you need money for? Your food, drink, pleasure, and fun are all just a vein away.
  
  

  Conclusion
  
  
  
  

  Being a vampire would kick ass. The pros totally outweigh the cons. While you may not be able to see your family again, you could give them all the gift of eternal life and allow them to join you on your endless journey. Hell, some people are thrilled with the notion of never seeing their families again.
  
  What about you, Mancoucheteers? Would you accept the gift of eternal life?
  

  
  

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