Dear Douchebag,
I would first like to say how glad I am that you are enjoying yourself tonight. I think we can both agree that this band is quite "nasty," and I can understand your enthusiasm for the show. However, I disagree on the point of declaring how nasty they are every 60 seconds, at the top of your lungs, over the music. Moreover I would appreciate
not being throttled whilst you seek affirmation from every single audience member around you; we wouldn't be here if we thought they sucked.
I'm wondering if it's totally necessary to call your friend right now? Yes, I know he loves these guys too, and it's really a shame that he couldn't come tonight, but does either of you truly believe there will be any enjoyment derived from listening to a concert via cell phone? Especially when
you're screaming along with the music? On a related note, screaming the guitar solos isn't entirely necessary, considering they're being amplified throughout the club.
Please calm down. I, too, am unhappy that they are playing their new songs. The new album was indeed disappointing, and I know that the old stuff was significantly better. I'm on your side. However, you're making it incredibly difficult to agree with you when you scream for the band to "Fuck this new shit" throughout the entire song. Your protestations are noble, but unnecessary.
Thank you for spilling your beer all down my back. Now I can smell just like you, minus the BO and bong water stench. No, it's fine, really. No, you're not "helping" by patting me down with your filthy bandanna. Stop it! Okay. Yes, you
definitely should get another beer. Who cares if the line's "crazy long"? You need your beer, and I need a few minutes to myself.
Ah. Finally, I can enjoy the band. Wait. What do you mean it's your last song? Are you kidding me?
I want my money back, damnit
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