Tuesday, 16 June 2009

• Beefing in Bed and Other Relationship Dilemmas

  Whilst grabbing a beer with my buddies a few days ago, one of them reminded me of the Dutch Oven maneuver. If you aren't familiar with such a move, you must have gotten mono in 7th grade. It's a total classic. To perform the Dutch Oven, you must be in bed with another person, though I assume a pet is an acceptable victim as well. You then unleash the foulest concoction of gas and vapor you can muster, utilizing all available strength of mind, body, and spirit to brew up a stench akin to that of the inside of a Tauntaun. The Dutch Oven is performed when you ensnare your victim within the sheets, imprisoning him or her while the devastation spreads beneath the covers.Your success is measured by the duration of the victim's incarceration within the sarcophagus of flatulence, the misery inflicted upon the victim, and the intensity of the stench. Extra points are awarded if the manuever is performed inside a sleeping bag, an igloo, or, once again, a Tauntaun.

  
  By far, the best title/subtitle combination ever.

  The Dutch Oven discussion soon became less abstract. Memories were shared, scars displayed, tears shed. And then I asked what I believe to be the single most important question for any relationship: how long should you date someone before you beef in bed?

  
  Is a caption really even necessary?

  The question is a vital one. If you express yourself that personally too early in a relationship, you risk invoking your significant other's displeasure--or worse, your significant other's pleasure. If you don't do it all, you will never achieve the kind of total disclosure necessary for a healthy relationship, nor will you achieve the kind of total comfort necessary for a healthy digestive system. Finally, if you wait too long, you may face the worst of all possible scenarios: the shame of being beaten to it.

   
  "How's that for chemical warfare, General McChrystal?!"

  If you ask me, I believe that 9 months is the proper waiting period before exposing yourself so intimately to a partner. While I base this on mostly nothing, I think there's something to be said about the 9th month in a relationship. If you've made it to 9 months with your significant other, that means you've lasted through the 4-6 month "Honeymoon phase," the time in which every waking moment is bliss and you haven't fully realized that you're dating another human being who has flaws and issues, just like you. The Honeymoon phase usually ends after the first real fight. If you make it through that fight and manage to be closer with your significant other, chances are good you're well on your way to cheese-cutting and gas-passing within the next couple of months, possibly even weeks.

  If you've spent the last nine months with your partner, chances are you've reached a certain level of vulnerability around him or her. It's not a bad thing; you just let your guard down a little more.

  And then it happens.

  You come home from a lovely dinner at Dallas BBQ followed by a romantic dessert for two at Tasti D-Lite. You hop into bed, holding one another as you laugh about the hilarious misadventures of the subway ride home. You are totally at peace with the world around you. You feel the warmth exuding from your partner's body and your own and then there's another kind of warmth and...oh God. You just let one fly, and there's no way to deny it.

  
  Look at the pride on her face. That is the smug, self-satisfied grin of a tooter.

  And that's when you're really, really, REALLY screwed. You both laugh, your partner pretends to be totally sickened, and things get back to normal. WRONG. You have crossed a line past which there is no returning, entering a relationship wholly different than the one you believed yourself a part of: you've drawn first blood. From that first fart on, there is an unspoken understanding within the relationship that flatulating in front of your partner has become totally acceptable behavior. From that single taste (ew) of freedom comes a gluttony for independence that leads to horrid acts ranging anywhere from ignoring hygeinic necessities like shaving to dooking in the bathroom while your significant other is in the shower.

  Okay. That's my rant. Call it a fear of intimacy, but I like to keep the bedroom and the bathroom as separate as possible (unless we're talking about showering, cuz that's kinda cool).

  And so I turn to you with the same question posed to my friends: how long should you wait before you gas-pass in your partner's presence? How many months before you beef in bed?  

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